Change

{Written yesterday.}

Right now, it’s a little after 1 o’clock on a Tuesday afternoon.  My three-year-old fell asleep across my lap as I nursed my three-month-old.  Then the baby fell asleep, so while I snuggled her in the crook of my arm, I managed to reach over the little man and grab my laptop.  These are skills I never imagined I would have prior to motherhood.  With the laptop balanced precariously on my knees, let me tell you a little about my life before anyone wakes up.

If you’ve been visiting my blog much lately, you know that my family has gone through a lot of change lately.  A lot.  Most of these changes have been positive (when I have my rosie glasses on).  My husband got a job, one that he has been preparing for his entire adult life.  The job is in a setting that is truly ideal for him.  We’ve been embraced by his co-workers.  We’ve found a new church with lots of wonderful families with children near the ages of our kids.  I’ve met moms who have been warm and friendly.  We are in a climate that is hot but beautiful, and we are in the process of buying a house that we love.  Both of the boys are happy in their new schools.  Blessings abound.

But change is hard, even when it is good.  We miss our families terribly.  I miss having lunch with my mom, chatting with my dad, running over to the in-laws on the weekend.  I miss scrapbooking Saturdays, card parties, our old library, and our church family.  I even miss our pediatricians’ office.  How weird is that?  I miss my La Leche League group so much.  {Girls, if you are reading this, I wish you were here!}  I miss my vegetable peeler; I know that’s very silly, but it was a really great peeler.  Honest.  I miss my knitting book.  I miss ALL of my books.

So if I’m feeling the pinch of all this change, just imagine how it feels if you are only three or six years old.  Nothing seems to be the same.  Our bedtime routine feels different.  Sleeping through the night has turned into many, many wakeful moments at all the wrong times.  These moments often come with unexplained tears, and I can only imagine that these are tears of sadness, frustration, and even a little fear.  One night–absolutely exhausted and about to completely lose my patience–I said to my three-year-old, “Everything feels different now, but what is still the same?”  He paused, then said, “God made me.”  Yes.  I immediately thought about my post from a few weeks ago.  I was surprised by J’s answer.  I hadn’t prompted him to think spiritually on the matter.  I certainly wasn’t in the teaching frame of mind at 4 o’clock in the morning.  I was nowhere near the “God has a plan” frame of mind when I was snatched from my sleep by an unhappy preschooler, but J’s quick answer cleared my head and brought me back to something I’ve been considering for awhile.

I know that not everyone who reads this blog shares my faith or practices it in the same tradition, but stick with me.  I often think that in calling my little family away from our extended family at this point in our lives, God is calling me to rely on Him.  To find in Him comfort, connection, strength, patience, and stability.  He wants me to trust Him.  I’m not expected to understand or even like it all, but I need to trust that He has a plan that is better and more fitting than my own agenda.  That’s hard.  I spend all of my time planning and dreaming.  I’m always browsing the internet for the next graduate school program, the next course I can take, the next book I can read, the next organization that I could join or start or research.  I forget to live and be.  Life might be totally willy-nilly, but God made me.  He made me with a purpose; He made me with love.  Those concepts don’t change.  I can feel free to dig in and be still in the present without fear of the future.

A not-so-great picture of my attempts to make our new rental feel like home. I love autumn!
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6 thoughts on “Change

  1. I love how you begin this blog. I do the same thing– right now, Alissandra is sleeping on my lap as I type this. I actually also have a cat on my lap, too! 🙂

    Also, a lot of this blog resonates with me. Change is hard but opens up so many opportunities for growth.

  2. change……………..
    Funny how change effects so many lives differently. I remeber when I was first told the news, so many feelings raced through my body trying to find some exit, weather it be tears, laughter, screams. I think i did them all at the same time!
    Yes, we have to rely on God to guide us through life’s little twists and turns. I have felt the strength of His love in many unexpected situations; without that warm embrace i cannot imagine…no, i will not imagine. I have been so blessed in my life, as a woman, wife, mother, grandmother and now a traveler! Even though this is hard and emotions are stirring with every passing day, my trust will stay true. J’s little statement needs to be extended; God made me and he will walk with me.

  3. Well I got my “warmaspie back” so I often enjoy at lunch time reading and finding out how everyone is doing. J’s statement from such a small child knows the real meaning of life. A Simple statement, but so true. As adults we often forget that in our busy life. But as you get older ir seems (because you never realized it before) that God is always there. You just have to have an open mind and let Him in don’t think you can do everything alone. The smallest things I thank each and every day. And even when i am annoyed I stop and think what is the lesson he is trying to teach me. I miss all of you dearly. Counting down the days till Christmas and praying each and every day that eveything goes smothly for your move.

  4. this was a tough entry for me to read….although beautifully written…I hear your voice in every word you write. I miss you sweetie,I miss all five of my sweeties. Talk to you soon

  5. Erica, what an honest and beautiful reflection. You are so right, change IS hard, even good change. I will be praying for you and your family as you settle into all of these good things, and learn how to miss the old things without being overwhelmed.

    Best,
    Claudine

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